Yeah, you read that right. I now weigh 240 pounds. No, I’m not particularly happy about that. To be honest, I’m not happy about a lot of things. The numbers on that scale this morning started this snowball effect in my head. Things I do that I need to stop. Other things that I need to do more. Things that affect me in really bad ways and things that I know will help that.
My oldest daughter is almost 10 and I can’t get her to see past her ADHD to mature a bit and begin to do things for herself. Fourth grade is going to be rough for that, I know, but I’m pretty sure it will be compounded by her inability to think ahead. I feel like a horrible mother because of it, like I’m fighting a war I will never win. I fight her meds messing with her appetite. I fight her off-meds inability to control herself in ANY fashion. I fight for her to do something other than spend all day watching Minecraft videos on Youtube. I fight for her to not be so negative all the time. Multiple battles, multiple fronts… It’s ugly and it’s exhausting!
My youngest daughter has hit the age (almost 6) where she feels entitled to get things. She’s latched onto the Americal Girl craze. Walmart carries their own, much cheaper, line that she is perfectly content to raid for her My Life doll (that she calls an American Girl Doll). The problem? She wants it all and expects me to take her to Walmart every day to buy her something for her doll. I have explained how terrible this mentality is to her MANY times and I’m still treated to a full-on screaming, crying fit every time she asks (EVERY FIVE MINUTES) for me to take her to the store and buy her something. She watched unboxing videos on Youtube and it makes her want to go. She sees a Walmart commercial on TV and it makes her want to go. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve seen the new “And my hands go up!” commercial during ONE 25 minute television show? And the fit comes EVERY SINGLE TIME!
My husband bought a 3D printer. There is an almost daily delivery of PLA, now. DAILY.
I was moved to 2nd grade at school, a grade level I promised myself I would NEVER teach again. The last time was hell. I’m not being given a choice about this, however, so I’m trying to approach this positively. At times, I’m even successful about it.
My budget is blown before I even get paid quite often these days. I try to save it. I try not to spend it. Then BOOM! Pay for this, pay for that, get this, get that… and I’m tapped out again. Waiting for pay day, trying to entertain kids without spending money…
I suffer from depression. I hate taking meds for it every day and I’ve tried to get off of them. Some days, I’m fine and I get through without incident. Other times, thinking about a dog that’s sitting in the shelter that I can’t do anything to help makes me bawl for an hour.
It’s summer break and I have no plans for a vacation. None. We’re halfway through the summer and it’s time for me to start working on moving my stuff to my new room and going through it, getting rid of things. The past month is a blur, already. I’m clawing my way into not losing the rest of this summer, but I’m not overly hopeful in my success. I’m almost as stressed right now as I was the last week of school. Almost.
I’ve had two friends pass away in the last three weeks. No, they weren’t close friends, but they were people I talked to. Their deaths were both sudden and painful.
Medically, things are going downhill pretty quickly. My migraines are worse than ever. My back hurts all the time. I have a pain at the front of my hip on the right side that I fear is my appendix trying to put me in the hospital. The fillings on my teeth that I got before school let out are failing. The nerves under them are so sensitive that sometimes eating is just impossible. There’s one on each side of my mouth, so “chew on the other side” isn’t really an option. I have kidney stone pain that has been lingering since Saturday. It’s been better, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t passed it, yet, I don’t think. In the last week, I’ve been up almost all night twice, so let’s add insomnia to the list of complains, too. There’s a tendon in my right wrist that makes doing things difficult, if not impossible. I can’t swing a sword, I can’t type for longer than a few minutes, and I can’t stitch without frequent breaks. The worst part, though? I’m tired. I’m tired ALL THE TIME.
You see all of that? That’s not even everything! It hit me today as I walked away from my scale, though, that all that medical stuff is probably exacerbated by my weight. My exhaustion is not only weight related, it’s emotional fatigue. My response to emotional fatigue is one of two things… eat junk or don’t eat anything. Neither of which are very good for the body.
Here’s the point where I start reminding myself about how to fix it. You’ve been warned.
First, I can’t fix very much of that. I attended a training a few years ago that has greatly affected how I approach my stressors. It wasn’t what the training was about, but it translates very well. The process was pretty simple… write out everything that is bothering you. All of it. Don’t worry about other people’s feelings, or whether it’s right or wrong to feel that way about the thing. Just write it down. Then, arrange those things you wrote down into three lists: Low Hanging Fruit, Get a Ladder, and Let Them Rot. OK, those are my names for them, sue me. Low Hanging Fruit are the things that are very easy to fix. Want time to exercise, go to bed earlier and get up earlier: Low Hanging Fruit. Want to Lose Weight, set up an exercise plan and adjust your diet: Get a Ladder. Want to fix your kid, give up because that’s not going to happen: Let it Rot. Unless you’re a metaphorical giraffe, with the neck long enough to do some serious reaching, you’re NEVER going to reach those apples. Know what? THAT’S PERFECTLY OK. LET THEM ROT! I’m so not a giraffe! I’m a shorty! This is the point I hit today when I walked down that hallway with my crazy realization that I created this mess.
Second, start with the Low Hanging Fruit and start picking those apples off the tree! It may be that the Low Hanging Fruit is on the same branch as something you need to Get a Ladder for, so be prepared for that. Sitting on your ass isn’t changing it, though, so you’ve got to get up and start picking those apples! SET YOUR GOALS and work towards them!
Third, a woman cannot live on Apples alone! Sometimes, we have to introduce other fruits to our grove in order for our cup to runneth over. So, find the things that you enjoy and add those trees! Knitting is a stress reliever, I love doing it. Therefore, throwing that tree into the ground next to the apple tree adds a little variety to my life and gives me something to DO to relieve the stress. I already own yarn and needles, so, for me, this is a Low Hanging Fruit. Binge watching Netflix while I do it, EVEN BETTER! That branch just got lower! Know what else I love? My garden. I love working in my garden. It’s exhausting, especially down here in the swamp, but the rewards are amazing. It doesn’t cost a dime to go thin out my lemon grass. Doesn’t take more than some sweat and effort to remove the spiderwort growing in every crook of the bed, either! Hey, wait… SWEAT AND EFFORT sounds like EXERCISE! I’m pretty sure adding that tree just made some fruit I needed a ladder for hang a bit lower! I have a whole plan for attacking this, already, too! I wrote about a program I was starting for myself, the CRAFT program (I already wrote that blog entry, ya’ll. It’s right here. ) Woah, sometimes I amaze myself!
Fourth, BE POSITIVE! When you start feeling bad, it’s natural to think negatively. Stop that. You have the power to stop that. You’re not going to stop the knee-jerk “I am so fat” response in your head when you look in a mirror or see a picture of yourself. Don’t even try. Instead, FORCE YOURSELF to respond to that negative with a positive. Yeah, I am fat, but my eyes are really blue today! I like it! You’re even going to do this to other people, hopefully it’s just in your head, though. YIKES if it comes out of your mouth! “She’s so annoying!” oooo, I’m guilty of that one. Follow it up by turning one of her annoying habits into a positive. “She must be really happy to be that giddy all the time!” Boom. I’m not telling you to replace it. I’m telling you that if you think about it, everything that is negative has a positive spin. It’s just up to you to do the spinning!
Fifth, and this is the one I have the most trouble with and it will be the thing you’ll see me writing about for a while: STICK WITH THE PROGRAM! It takes about 3 days of being on a roll before something throws a wrench in my program. I get sick, a kid gets sick, it rains, I get another migraine… from then on, my whole program is shot. The trees are growing wild, low hanging fruit is rotting, my house looks like an episode of hoarders, and my motivation to get it together drops to nothing, again.
So, here’s to hoping this hour-long rant of truth helps you as much as it did me. From here on, I’m going to write a blog entry every day outlining how I lived this today. Wish me luck!
Until next time,