I am writing this from a bad place.
I am in the middle of a relapse of depression, in which my meds are doing NOTHING to help me. I am very good at faking it most of the time. I’ve learned to compartmentalize pieces of my life so that one area of stress and depression doesn’t bleed into another. It also helps me keep things straight, so I don’t get overwhelmed by the stress as often as I used to.
Those methods are backfiring right now. You see, every one of those compartments are sources of depression, right now, so, just like the Titanic and those hull pockets, I’m taking on water and it’s dragging me under.
Writing this isn’t easy. My head is screaming at me about my drama-ridden, attention seeking BS. I even created a private board on Pinterest and started collecting quotes and combatting tactics for this. I wasn’t going to make it private, but changed my mind. Why? Because I thought someone would say something about me wanting attention over the thing.
My self-worth is in the toilet. I’ve hit a new low this weekend, too. I had committed to traveling to an event, to helping my friends celebrate the life of another friend, and to share the joy of being around people who just GET me. I tried to get there. I was packed, the van was loaded, I left work and got on the road. Then the girls started watching a show on the DVD player and I had time to think.
Thinking is the bane to my disease. When I think, I tell myself all sorts of horrible things. Some of them are probably true, I know a few are. The depth of that knowledge is painful and witnessing the other half of it is truly ugly. People who smile to your face and tell others you’re sucking up for something in the next breath.
Right now, all I want to do is sleep.
If I keep myself moving, it’ll be ok. I may not be dealing with it, but I can function without crying… most of the time. It’s those time I get a break, though, that take the cake. I am quick to anger, stare at nothing for a really long time in the middle of a conversation, and find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything.
So, when I send you a message and say, “I knitted today!” Please don’t blow me off! I haven’t touched it in days.
Anyway, I realize now that this post has devolved into babbling and I’m putting myself to sleep. Hopefully it wasn’t a total loss.
Until next time,
This is me, checking in at 213.6 lbs