Sometimes, I don’t make much sense. I admit it and I’m alright with it. My husband says I’m a woman and it’s my prerogative to be contradictory. I say there’s more to it than that. I don’t know exactly what, but I know it’s more than just mammary glands and ovaries. It is with that in mind that I will warn you about the following itemized things. You’re going to see them come up, repeatedly, if you’re following along at home, so just be aware that they exist and maybe it’ll help explain why I seem to be all over the place.
- I suffer from depression. That’s a biggie, so I’m putting it first. I’ve been on Lexapro, a mild antidepressant, for almost 5 years now. I’m pretty sure I’ve been like this my whole life, but it’s been shunted to the side for a really long time and laughed off. PMS, moody teenager, middle kid syndrome… it’s all there. It wasn’t until after my second child was born and I couldn’t stop crying over silly things like commercials about sleeping babies, that I finally said something to someone. It was my OBGYN, actually, and I hadn’t planned on saying anything. He asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. Sure, I had a five year old and a 4 month old baby, but things weren’t BAD. He suggested a mild antidepressant, small dose. Since then, we’ve upped the dose and I’m still taking it every day. If I don’t take it, I’m cranky and weepy, so I know it’s not just me. Depression is ugly and it makes zero sense when the person going through it has a clear head. We’re fully aware of this, so pointing it out is… well, pointless. No, I don’t know what causes it. It’s not a reaction to anything going on in my life. Sometimes, things just don’t feel like they’re going in a way that will end with me a)having friends, b) having a life outside of work, and c) not being taken advantage of. I’ve been crapped on, forgotten, left out, and ignored by people who were my friends so many times that my ability to trust people with that relationship is really, really difficult. It makes me appear bitchy, or snooty, or distant. It turns people away. I get that. So, I understand that my loneliness, if you can call it that when there are two little people saying, “Mama,” every two minutes, is partly my own fault. Depression isn’t about logic. It’s about… ok, I don’t even know what it’s about. I just know that I never feel good enough to have what I do have, and a serious case of Imposter Syndrome nails me to the wall. It’s ugly. And that’s when everything in my life is going WELL! We know that’s not always the case, so you can imagine, if it’s that rough when I don’t have anything to base those things on, how much more fun it is when I do! Ugly is an understatement. The best medicine I’ve found for this problem are my friends, the ones who just expect me to show up whenever something is going on. Even if it’s just sitting around our favorite Irish Pub munching on fried mac and cheese bites and singing loudly to whatever music is playing, it’s magic to my soul.
- I’m always trying something to help myself out of this. I hate the depression. I hate it so much I bury it and try to deal with it on my own. There is only one or two people in my life that ever know when I’m getting nailed with it. Sometimes, I’m so good at burying it that even my husband doesn’t know. One way I deal with it is that I try to do things to head it off when I feel it coming. It never stops it completely, of course, but sometimes I can get some peace. I recently started a bullet journal system that I’ll be happy to tell you about in a later post. I’m telling you this because you’ll see me post about this neat thing that feels good internally from time to time and I want you to know where it’s coming from.
- I hate being disorganized. Call it Type A personality or the J in my INFJ, but chaos raises my blood pressure. I don’t fly by the seat of my pants well.I need some kind of frame for whatever I’m working on to keep it controlled and organized. I usually buy a new organizer for every project I start, too, while we’re on the subject. Yeah, I’m that nerd.
- I feel like I’ve missed something important if I spend a day doing nothing. It doesn’t have to be a big something, but it has to be SOMETHING. Wiping out the sink, taking out the trash, picking up the den, or planting something… it has to be SOMETHING. I need to be able to say, “I did this today.” The more “this” there is, the more successful I feel.
- I love animals. I can’t say no to their sweet little faces. Me walking into a pet shop is one of the hardest things I ever do on a regular basis.
- I’m allergic to EVERYTHING. I used to think it was just seasonal allergies, but it turns out I have at least a mild allergic reaction to EVERYTHING. This is a problem, of course. I like being outside. I like working in my garden. I like petting my cat. I like snuggling my guinea pig. I like flowers. I combat this in my classroom by having an air purifier on all the time. It really has helped, too. I can’t do that at home, because I’d need one in every room of the house, going 24/7, and that’s just not going to work with my not wanting to pay a $1,000 electric bill every month. My allergist put me on Allegra and a spray called Dymista to help regulate it, and also recommended Immunotherapy. I hate shots, but I really want to breathe like normal people, so I’m doing it. Here’s hoping I can breathe happy in a few years! As it is, the Allegra and Dymista have done a lot for my ability to breathe with only a few flare ups when I do something out of the ordinary.
- I am a huge nerd. I’ve come to terms with it, though. I enjoy learning new things and I love reading books. I’ve finally hit the age where non-fiction books don’t bore me, or maybe they just write them better than they used to nowadays. Either way, Dan Jones is one of my favorite reads, lately. His writings on medieval England are very well done and engaging, on top of being filled with documentation.
- My kids are amazing. The inspire me in ways no one will ever fully understand. They make me want to be the best person I can be for them and make me question everything I do. That they are both independent thinkers, avid book lovers, and generally happy kids, means I’m hopefully doing this right. I screw up, don’t get me wrong. However, they accept my apologies when I do and we work together to fix it. These two are going to be amazing women some day. Just, hopefully, not too soon…
- I am a card carrying member of the SCA. I joined a few years ago and I can’t imagine what I did without them. The focus of the Society for Creative Anachronism is the preservation and education of medieval life. What this means is that I get to do all the nerdy stuff I love, like learn new embroidery techniques, take up bobbin lace making, focus my gardening and use period methods to produce balms and salves, read tons of books, take out my frustrations with the world with my sword and shield, and camp outside in a canvas tent surrounded by friends and the smell of smoking fire pits.
- I am addicted to Pinterest. Seriously, we’re not going to talk about how many pins I have, how many boards I’ve created, or how extensive my collection of pictures of Tom Hiddleston is, ok? Just take my word for it. The good news is that I have picked up really cool things like my laundry detergent and a few cleaning tips, recipes, and craft ideas without having to buy things online! SQUEE!
So, there you go. There’s more to me than this, of course, but these are the things you’re going to hear about a lot, so I thought you deserved fair warning. You’re welcome. 😉
Until next time!